My son is doing what he’s programmed to do and he’s doing it remarkably well. I’m not talking about the grace and power of his Grass dancing, nor am I referring to the Bronze Cross he earned this summer which puts him in line for Lifeguard training. I’m not talking about the four weeks he put in at Hardwood bike camp as an assistant counsellor, nor any of the other talents he has, such as playing the guitar or singing. It’s that that inexorable pulling away from me – he’s fifteen and slicing every thread that connects me to him.
Okay, so this isn’t news that a teenager turns away from his mom. In fact, what it brings to mind is the torture I must have wrought upon my own sweet mom. As the last of four children, I often felt that she was too tired to take much interest in my life as a teenager, but now I’m beginning to wonder if she wasn’t just smart enough not to indulge me, knowing that the slightest peak of interest would elicit only scorn. I’m just sayin’… you think it won’t happen to your sweet child. That your relationship is rock solid, that you have given everything for his happiness and he will always hold that close to his heart. NOT. You believe that because you were fair and generous regarding the child’s father, that you will never hear these words: “I’m on Dad’s side now.” Side? Sigh. So I open my hands and let him go. But I’m not ready! I cry silently. I only wanted him to have a relationship with his father, not to choose.
As I wipe my tears, my day timer comes into focus. Hmmm. Lunch with a friend, dinner with friends, conference, writing group, a reading in Uxbridge, a dance performance in Toronto, a day trip with a friend, Simcoe County Writers meeting… oh yes, and work (without having to schedule it around his schedule).
I blow my nose and look out around my beautiful property, the property he said he would never leave, the one I have been thinking about selling because it’s too much work and expense, and I sigh. It is so beautiful here. So quiet. So very quiet. Quiet enough to write. No distractions except for the crickets and the wind ruffling the drying leaves. No demands, except for the urgency of the ideas pulling at my hands to be written.
It will pass, everyone tells me. He’ll come back a man with full appreciation of all you’ve been and given. It will pass like the summer’s intense heat. And just as they were right about what happens when one’s baby becomes a teenager, they are likely right about this. As the door to his childhood closes so opens the door to his manhood… just a few snags on the doorframe tear bits of cloth and tissue on the way through.
Yes… As a young man excitedly goes off to explore the world and make his place in it, he will always hold Mom and home as home in his heart and he will be back to touch base for reassurance from time to time.
Promise?
Promise! He will always be your child. It seems no matter what they do the tie, even strained and frayed, stays unbroken. A test of faith maybe. A lesson for both. This I know.
I’m right there with you. I used to be the best mom in the world, now she doesn’t want to be seen in public with me. Sigh.
Try too hard and they resent it, try too little and they resent it, but the fact that you tried, they remember it. Some say it is just them finding their own voice, maybe it is, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.
We always told Bug that she had so many years until she hated us and we suddenly became ‘un-cool’ but at 15 we haven’t hit that bump yet…yet. Still it’s hard to believe what a beautiful young adult she’s become.
Speaking as a young man that once ached to put some distance between myself and my parents, time and distance has a way of making those bonds stronger, like Dave said.
love you
I am a single dad and very close with my son, or was, he is a late bloomer individuator…I thought empty nest was hard but in the last 6 months more and more he is clear he just does not want to spend time with me. I was raised by mom after my dad left and knew I would never do that to my child, and have devoted my last 19 years to being his dad and the heartbreak i feel now is sometimes overwhelming. Everyone in my family has passed away and I had thought the closeness with my son was a great gift, and I hear that in a few years he will come around, but the immediate loss is almost unbearable. I have to just accept this is the way it is and get on with it.
Everyone says they come back. I hope this is true. It makes me think about how I dismissed my own parents when i was a teenager and I wonder if it will take having a teenager himself for him to realize the value of a parent’s love. And then I have to wonder if it’s just payback!
I read some of your pieces about this hole in your heart, and I have to say that I get it that it isn’t gender-specific. I was shocked to discover that there are no novels written about a father fighting for access to his child. I began writing Weather Vane in response to one man’s story, but have subsequently met about a dozen decent guys who have been denied access to their children. So whether it’s being suddenly treated as if it would be better for everyone if you didn’t exist at all or not being able to make your kid breakfast, it hurts just as badly for dad as it does for mom. You orbited your moon around their earth for years and now they never even tilt their faces upward.